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An Absolute Nobody

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long entry.. [Aug. 5th, 2004|10:53 pm]
An Absolute Nobody
the other day i was talking to a new friend - jon.
at the beginning we werent friends. he dared me to
tell him the crap that ive been through and .. altho
its really personal i think i might write a book
about it sometime.. soo much has happened i just dont
really remember the order of everything..


january/february 2000 - my dad had a heart-attack.
he was at st. alexus and they had to give him an angeo-
gram [sp?]. this wasnt even a surgery.. they just
insert a dye thing with a camera up your leg and it
travels up to your heart.
well, when inserting the dye my dad lost too much
blood and his heart stopped for nearly 5 minutes.
my dad saw his dad and jesus and talked to them.
its one of the only
reasons i believe in god.
anyway.
the doctors discovered that he would need a quadruple
bypass because he 4 [[ note : qaudruple..] blocked
arteries.
so a week before his 46th birthday he went in for the
surgery. everything was okay for a little bit.
right after his birthday the open wounds in his leg
[[see they had to put leg muscles in his chest to
make up for the muscle he lost]] became extremely infected.
he went back into the hospital and the wounds in his
chest became infected. he had 5 infections plus strep
throat. thats the one time my mom said my dad wouldnt
be around much longer.
she was obviously wrong, but when he came home he had
an IV with him.
my mom had to change one of them every 4 hours, and the
other one had to be changed every 3 hours. my brothers
and i had to learn how to change them too considering she worked nights.
more problems started popping up and for 6 months he
would remain in the hospital with 6 more open heart
surgeries.




well that went on up until 2002. he had other problems
like vomitting everyday.. not being able to walk..
not really being able to talk.. things like that.



well things started to get better but then dad started
to gain most of the weight he had lost back. he opened
his own business and less than a year later he went in
for gastric bypass surgery - - if you will, an extreme
weight loss diet.
okay so by then i was in my freshman year.
my grades dropped in school.. every night my brother
and i would sleep in my dads bed. 3 times a night
we would have to walk my dad to the bathroom and help
him with all that stuff. it wasnt a big deal but.. if
any of you know me, i love my sleep.
a few days before my finals my dad started acting.. goofy.
his eyes would wander.. he would start talking like a
baby and he would forget simple things like what he ate
5 minutes before the conversation we were having.
my mom would start yelling at him and slap him in the
face screaming 'KEN! I NEED YOU TO BE LUCID, I NEED YOU
TO ANSWER ME' and he would just stare at her with a
confused look.. we didnt know what to do.
one night.. before my math final.. i was sleeping in
his room and he was out in the living room and he was
just talking in his sleep.. only it was pretty much
baby talk. when i came out in the morning to get ready
for school he was halfway off his chair and making
weird noises.
i told my mom and then left for school.
i was sitting in the cafeteria and julie comes running
up to me crying saying that there were ambulances and
fire trucks at my house..
well i didnt have enough time to worry, i had a algebra
final to take.
when i got home i found out that my dad went into a
diabetic coma.
one of the doctors decided to up his insulin intake 30
times his dosage.. because of the surgery.
oops.
my mom and my brother by then had pretty much taken over
my dad's business. my mom had anxiety attacks all the
time. i would too if i had to work 8-5 and then 6-12.

soo.. that was that.
dad came home a few weeks later.
summer school began.
my brother and i were still doing the 'hey we gotta walk
dad to the bathroom, wake up' thing.
he started to get better.
my mom and brother were still running the store. we were
falling behind on payments for the house and for the
business.
now.. when you get this bypass surgery you get these
drainage tubes.. 2 of them. they fill up with extra blood
and you just empty them.
well when my dad went to go get them removed one of them
broke off inside.
the doctors waited too long to surgically remove the
tube so by the time they did, so much scar tissue had
grown around it, it became infected and my dad became
extremely ill again.
we had to do everything for him... and when i say everything
i mean EVERYTHING. oie.
this one time he went to the hospital.. and they needed
his records and all his medication.. 18 bottles of pills.
pills all over the floor..
he would start puking all the time.
the doctors couldnt figure out whats wrong. they never did.
so by now its august?
we've lost our house. however we worked out with a good
family friend so that we rent it now. we're buying it
back in january or something.
anyway.
somehow my dad had managed to fall in the hospital, seriously
hurt his knee and his back.
he was sent to the rehab center across the street.
he couldnt walk.
this was september.. i remember going there to visit
and then going to septemberfest.
i get off track so easily..
he came home in october.
up until march, he was back and forth between home and
the hospital.
knock on wood, he hasnt been there since. wow.. impressive.
i never really thought about that until now.
hes back at work.. running it and everything.
he recently had hemorrhoids but.. compared to everything
else, that wasn't too big of a deal.
this week they broke their all-time record of most sales
in a week. they broke that record on tuesday. his work
week starts monday. imagine that.
they did 10,000 bucks and there are still 2 days left
of the week.
all the bills at home and at work are paid off for the
next 2 months.
my dad went from 300 lbs to a steady 198-202 lbs.
i try not to think about the fact that in 5 months he'll
be having another major surgery..




it was so bad last summer... everytime something got
better, something horrible happened.
my dad would start feeling better, and then the van
needed a new engine.
dad came home from the hospital, our cat ran away. it
may not seem like a big deal but .. if you guys have
seen my family and our cat.. we love her so much.
i guess in end everything turned out okay, but when all
that stuff is going on, you don't think there is a way
out.. you just want to give up and end all the suffering
and pain now.





so i guess life has gotten better.. ive gained some new
great friends. ive realized who my real friends are.
i lost my best friend.
someone extremely special re-entered my life.. after
4 years of barely talking. shes practically my sister.
i wouldnt have anything if it werent for her.





















well. i know for a fact im forgetting so much.. but
i think ive said enough. im not looking for sympathy.
sympathy pisses me off. i dont need apologies, it's no
ones fault. i just.. need a head start on what my book
is going to be about.. i think i got it down pretty good.

goodnight<3
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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2004|04:30 pm]
An Absolute Nobody
this is going to be my last entry on this journal.

im trying to put closure on this situation and maybe this
is a step to doing it.
i dont know how far im gonna get, but god am i going to
try so hard. i hope you realize that...








maybe i really dont have anything left n i shouldnt even
bother. oh well.
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ill never be the same without you, i loved you more than you will ever know [Jun. 20th, 2004|12:08 am]
An Absolute Nobody
.. i think im missing a piece of me ..

im so confused as to how im sposed to feel.
i was fine with this in the beginning, and now
its coming back with every song i hear.
every old journal entry, ever memory, its there.
all these plans for this summer... that we made...
are being done with other people, and it just
doesnt feel right.
but i can tell this was final, and its not coming
back. theres a reason for everything, and im
trying to figure out the reason for this. there
are small things i can think of, trivial things
that couldve been avoided if i was a better person.
i know i didnt do everything wrong, it takes 2 to
tengo..
i guess this journal is the exact reason for what
happened.
i let it be my outlet when i was pissed, i shouldnt
have hidden it.. but i was scared.
oh well.





shitfuck i made a mistake
i thought i needed a break
the truth is im such a dick
its broke and cant be fixed



<x3
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